


Sneakin' Around

by bookdragon01



Category: Star Trek: 2009
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-13
Updated: 2011-09-13
Packaged: 2017-10-23 17:15:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/252810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookdragon01/pseuds/bookdragon01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>McCoy has a lover and they both want to start off keeping things discrete. But Bones never realized how much fun sneakin' around would be, especially when it starts driving Jim crazy. Good clean fun. Friendship, not slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Don't own them or profit from them, but I sure would like to borrow McCoy for a little while...
> 
>  _AN:_ **DarkEidolon** _requested this some time ago in connection with an early story in_ Tales of a Security Chief, Vol. II. _I'd meant to write it as a longish one-shot, but the story seems to want to be multi-chapter. It's told from McCoy's pov, so it's not technically part of my Giotto series, but this does run parallel to events in Vol II._

It had all started innocently enough. A security officer had been abducted in the line of duty and Jim, as per usual, had come up with some harebrained plan to free her. McCoy had agreed to come along, first because they had reason to believe that the officer was injured and might need immediate help, and second, because Jim's cockamamie schemes usually resulted in Jim getting the tar beat out him (and that time proved no exception). Eventually, they got everyone out and McCoy patched her up. Since head injuries were tricky beasts even in the 23rd century, he'd kept Jessy in sickbay a little longer than usual. It wasn't love at first sight or anything like that, but she did have a sly wit that he couldn't help but appreciate (and okay, to be honest, a fine figure too).

Still, it might not have come to anything except that she'd sent him a thank you in the form of some truly premium bourbon. When he'd run into her in the lounge and went to thank her for the thank you, it turned out she was a connoisseur of single malt scotch and they'd traded barbs about the relative superiority of their preferred drinks and then traded shots. Afterward, he insisted on walking her back to her quarters, because even if they were on the _Enterprise_ and she had the combat rating to kick his ass twelve ways to Sunday, no true Southern gentleman let a lady who'd had few walk home unescorted. Before long, they were trading more than shots and as it turned out single malt tasted pretty damned good when served that way.

She wasn't in his chain of command, so there was no problem really except that McCoy was, to put it mildly, a bit gun shy. His history when it came to relationships was considerably less than stellar and going through a divorce in a small Southern town had been bad enough. The prospect of a relationship playing out in the fishbowl of an enclosed 435 person community was downright daunting. Fortunately, Jessy felt the same way and on top of it was moving up in her department which meant a certain degree of discretion was required. People who handled the security info of everyone else on the ship didn't dare let everybody else know their business, let alone wind up in the middle of public soap operas. So they'd decided to keep things quiet, at least until they were more certain where this was all going.

There was only one person who needed telling and that was Jessy's CO. That would satisfy protocol, but more importantly her CO (whether he liked it or not) had become a bit of father figure to a lot of his people, and to an orphan like Jessy in particular. No decent gentleman got involved with a lady without talking to her father first.

McCoy had a good relationship with the Security Chief - born of a mutual impetus to keep Jim from killing himself on away missions - however, McCoy had watched Jim spar with Giotto. While Jim was a good fighter and the Chief was twice Jim's age, the first few times it had looked like a lion cub trying to pick a fight with a full grown panther.

Jessy had laughed when he admitted to being nervous and pointed to the target-shooting trophies on her shelf. "Len, if you do me wrong, the last thing you'll have to worry about it is _'Pop'_ coming after you."

Someday he'd figure out why he was attracted to strong, take-charge, and somewhat intimidating women.

As it turned out Giotto had been more uncomfortable with that interview than he had, but gave in to being placed in the 'Pop' role and even issued a joking (or at least Len hoped it was joking) threat. He'd proven a valuable ally though. Any time someone in security wound up in sickbay, which was pretty frequently, he assigned Jessy to check on them and discuss their prognosis. Officially it was part of grooming her to move up in his command team. Unofficially, it was a great excuse for McCoy to invite her into his office and lock the door.

There was only one fly in the ointment. Unfortunately it was his best friend and Captain. Len loved Jim like a brother – an annoying, pushy kid brother with next to no respect for personal space and privacy. In the three years they'd been roommates Jim had discussed both his own exploits, and the frighteningly unsuitable women he thought Bones should try to pick up, with all the tact and subtlety of a drunken stripper. Letting him know about this relationship while it was still in its fledgling stages struck McCoy as about the worst idea since Prohibition. However, keeping Jim in the dark, especially when he'd grown accustomed to 24/7 access to McCoy as a sounding board, wasn't easy.

…

* * *

Len caught Jessy around the waist when she tried to quietly slip out of bed. "Whoa there darlin', no reason you can't stay a little longer."

She turned and ran her fingers lightly along his shoulder. "04:00 – the Chief's in the gym by 05:00 and I intend to be there ahead of him today."

"If you want a work out," Len murmured, planting hot kisses along her neck, "I think I could find a way to get your heart rate up."

"I don't doubt you could." She kissed him once firmly. "But this is my way of showing 'Pop' that this relationship isn't going to affect my efficiency."

McCoy chuckled. "Fine then, last thing I want is Sam having to talk to me about keepin' you out past curfew."

She rose from the bed and looked over a beautifully sculpted shoulder to deliver a riposte when they heard the door open.

"Bones, are you awake?"

Jessy dove into the bathroom and Len jumped out of bed, stalking into his living room with every intent of seriously violating the Hippocratic Oath. "What the hell are you doin' here, Jim?"

"I had an idea about…" Jim's brows scrunched together. "Why are you naked?"

"Dammit, Jim!" He grabbed a throw from the couch and wrapped it around his waist. "It is _04:00_ and until an inconsiderate, idiot man-child of a Captain came barging into my quarters, _I was in bed_!"

Jim looked at him slyly. "You never used to sleep naked."

"That's because I never knew who – or _what_ – my over-sexed moron of a roommate was gonna drag back to our dorm at literally _any hour_ regardless of whether I was in there trying to sleep or not!" McCoy advanced on him, eyes widening and voice dropping to a dangerous growl. "Guess what? We're _not_ roommates anymore – for which I thank God! – so you _don't_ get to come barging in any time you damn well feel like it even if you don't have some floozy with you."

" _You're_ grouchy this morning."

"Grouchy? You want to _see_ grouchy? Use your command code to bust into my quarters one more time for _no damn good reason_ and I'll show you _grouchy_." Bones lifted an eyebrow in the look that said _try me_. "In fact, I guaran-damn-tee that I can teach you whole new _definition_ of _grouchy_."

"What's the matter?" Jim chuckled. "Did I interrupt a date with your right hand?"

" _Out,_ Jim. Unless you'd like _both_ your hands to wind up looking like balloons again," Bones threatened, punctuating each word with a finger jab to the chest. " _Get. Out._ _Now_."

"Fine," Jim held his hands up defensively and backed out the door. "But you seriously do need to get laid."

McCoy bit his lip, glaring at the door even long it had closed until warm arms wrapped around him from behind. "You know, I think I could help with that."

He turned in her arms. "Thought you had to get to the gym, darlin'."

"Tomorrow. A surgeon's hands are important." She grinned and lifted his hand, slowly kissing each finger. "I want to make sure these aren't over-worked."

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Jim was leaning against the wall when Len ushered Jessy out of his office. She immediately snapped to attention. "Sir."

It wasn't even a cover. She'd been in a real military organization before joining Starfleet, so for her it was pretty much second nature. McCoy suppressed a smile at the instantaneous transformation from 'Jessy' to 'Lt. Hanlan'.

"At ease," Kirk sighed.

Bones almost felt bad for him. It was driving Jim crazy (as if he needed to be any crazier) that he couldn't get Spock or Giotto to use his first name even off-duty, but having everyone else – most of whom had been classmates not that long ago – go all formal really bugged him.

Jessy fell into a smart at-ease and Jim gave her an almost pained look before saying "Dismissed."

"Yes, sir." She nodded to him and to McCoy before turning crisply and heading out the door.

Jim shook his head. "How can you stand it, Bones?"

"Hmm?" Len suddenly realized he'd let his eyes trail her. "Stand what?"

"All that stick-up-her-ass…" Jim paused and looked at him a little suspiciously. "Bones, were you just checking out her ass?"

" _No_ , of course not." Damn. He was going to have to watch himself to keep from watching her. "I'm a doctor, Jim, not ...well, you. Hanlan hurt her hip in training last week. You know how security people are about injuries - I was just trying to see if she was still favoring one side."

"Hey, I do not check out my crew."

Bones smirked. "Two words: Janice Rand."

"Okay, I try not to, but I'm only human..." Kirk pulled the back of his neck, looking a little guilty as he walked into the office. "So do you watch my ass to see if I'm faking a recovery?"

"More times than I'd like to, Jim, that's for damned sure." McCoy made a face at him. "Now, seeing as I usually have to drag said ass into sickbay, why are you here?"

"Same reason she was," Jim plopped down in a chair and grinned at him.

Len experienced a brief moment of shock before realizing that the reason he meant was Ensign Jackson. "Jackson'll be fine, provided he stops trying to prove a Western-style saber is superior to an Eastern-style katana. A sprained wrist isn't too bad considering what Sulu _could_ have done to him."

"Don't worry, Bones, I'll have a talk with him."

"Excuse me," Bones tried to stifle a laugh. "James T. _I'll-beat-my-head-against-a-wall-until-my-skull-caves-in-just-to-prove-I-can-dent-it_ Kirk is going to have a talk with someone about not trying to prove something? Please, I don't need Jackson back in here with a ruptured lung from trying not to laugh in his Captain's face."

Kirk pouted a little. "I'm not that bad."

Yeah. Right. McCoy cocked an eyebrow and just _looked_ at him.

"Fine," Jim surrendered with a small laugh. "I'm sure you already chewed him out anyway, but I figured I'd offer. I mean, you've been a little off your game lately. That engineer that dropped a spanner on his foot yesterday left here without even looking afraid for his life."

"I'm not an ogre, Jim. Besides, Scotty had already reamed him out. Kid came in looking afraid for his life."

"When's that ever stopped you? A couple weeks ago, when Leslie came in looking scared for his life, he left looking scared for his _afterlife_."

"Leslie had good reason to be scared." By some fluke he was the one who had got hurt by being careless, but it was his climbing partner who'd been in real danger. "Much as I'd like to take full credit, if he was scared for his afterlife it was because he knew Sam was going to give him a guided tour of hell just as soon as he was fixed up well enough to survive the trip. So if someone else needs to talk to Jackson about common sense, I'll let Sam do it. _He_ at least has some."

"You know, Bones," Jim gave him a sly grin. "You're going to hurt my feelings, throwing me over for an older man like this."

"Honest to God, Jim," McCoy looked heavenward. If he had known what he was in for when he'd threatened to throw up on the kid…

"Hey, don't get huffy." Jim held his hands up. "When you weren't your usual surly self, I thought maybe you were seeing someone."

"Jim..."

"Look, I never would have figured Giotto for your type, but as long as you're both happy I'm okay with it." Jim smiled, blue eyes brimming with sincerity. "Really."

Oh Dear God, he was serious. Jessy was either going to be ill at the thought or laugh her ass off when he told her. Come to think of it, he'd pay good money to see Sam's expression if Jim ran that assumption by him. Bones covered his face with a hand. It was too much. His sides started shaking.

"Bones, it's alright. I'm happy for you."

That did it. "You think …I …we …::snort:: …oh god…" He gave up and just laughed.

"What?" Jim crossed his arms, frowning. "It made sense. You've been having lunch together a lot and you usually smile when you're talking with him –"

"Jim." McCoy bit his lip and pushed down another laugh. "Has it occurred to you that I might just enjoy getting to talk with someone who isn't an _adolescent_?"

"I'm _not_ an adolescent."

"Really?" Bones raised a sardonic eyebrow. "Because the last time anyone assumed I was seeing someone based on us having lunch together I was in _junior high_."

"Okay, fine," Jim huffed. "If it's not Sam, who is it?"

The pesky kid was not going to let this go. McCoy leaned forward. "In case you haven't noticed, Jim, your train of thought hasn't just _jumped the tracks_ , it's pretty much _hurled itself off_ and taken a swan dive into the canyon below. Now, I don't know where you came up with this idea that there is somebody, but even if there was, let me just be clear about something: it would be none of your damn business."

"Now, see," Jim pointed a finger. "That sounds just like something the Chief would say."

"Jim, get out."

"I would be okay with it, you know."

" _Out_ , Jim." McCoy shook his head. "If you're not going to believe me, go ask Sam. Just promise me that if you do, you'll have someone record it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't intend to write the scene, but Giotto's reaction could pretty much be summed up with 'What exactly have you been smoking? Sir.'


	3. Misdirection

McCoy glanced around the mess for Jim and then chided himself for letting the kid get to him. "Hey, Sam, mind if I join you?"

"Are you sure you want to be seen together?" Giotto lifted an eyebrow. " 'Honey'."

"Oh God," McCoy looked heavenward. "I'm sorry. For a so-called genius, sometimes I swear Jim's parachute is missing its ripcord."

"Have a seat, Doc," Sam laughed. "You know, in all my years in Starfleet, I've never yet laughed in a superior officer's face. No offense, but I came really close yesterday."

"Close? No offense yourself, but I _did_ laugh in his face and he still decided to run that bit of lunacy by you." Someday he was going to have to figure out how to make Jim an off-switch.

"He did at least try to be subtle. It took me a good ten minutes to figure out what he was getting at." The older man grinned. "And then another ten to convince myself that I'd heard him right."

"I hope you had better luck putting off this particular nonsense than I did. Once Jim gets an idea in his head, he's like a dog with a new bone." Unfortunately that bone was now Bones' love life. He was almost tempted to let Jim keep his dumb assumptions just to throw him off the trail, but the last thing he wanted was to cause trouble for Sam by letting this idiocy turn into fodder for the rumor mill.

"I have a firm rule about not answering questions pertaining to my personal life, so I did not comment. However, I did ask if he'd been exposed to any hallucinogens lately." Giotto winked. "Besides, as far as guessing at who you're seeing, he did get the color of the uniform right."

"That's what worries me. He's not going to give up and while I don't think he'd go announcing it to the world if I asked him not to, when it comes to this sort of thing discretion is not exactly Jim's strong suit." McCoy sighed and stared down at his sandwich. "And even if he could manage it, well …I had exactly one serious girlfriend in the Academy and shortly after getting to know Jim she ran off with an archaeologist."

Sam shook his head sympathetically. "I doubt you have to worry about that. She's already met the Captain and -"

"Hey, is it okay if I join you?" Kirk appeared at the table and flashed a sly grin. "I mean I wouldn't want to interrupt anything."

Talk about 'speak of the devil'. McCoy cocked an eyebrow at him. "Have a seat, Jim. All you're interrupting is a good laugh at your expense."

"Okay, okay," Jim plopped down and arranged his lunch selections. He waved a handful of sandwich at them. "But you two _have_ been spending a lot of time together lately."

"My apologies, sir." Giotto raised his eyebrows slightly. "It was not my intention to make you jealous."

Jim froze in mid-bite of chicken sandwich and McCoy snorted a laugh. Sam had slipped right into 'Cmdr. Giotto'. Only Spock could have delivered that line with a straighter face – not that the humorless hobgoblin would ever bother with something as illogical as a jibe.

"Alright, I get it. I was wrong. But you can't blame me for thinking you were a couple, always sitting over here by yourselves." Jim took a mouthful of sandwich and smirked around it.

Sam glanced over at Bones with a small smile. "You see, Doc, I told you that you should invite Davis to join us."

What the hell? McCoy was too surprised to speak and Jim still had a mouthful of chicken.

Giotto took advantage to stage a retreat. "If you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I have to get back to preparing sims for today. There will be slight change in schedule, Captain. I'm going to shift today's emphasis to observation and deduction. Seems there area few people who could stand to work on those." He picked up his tray and walked away humming.

McCoy stared after him. The sonovabitch had just ensured that he was off Jim's radar by planting an entirely different false trail. Bones wasn't sure whether to laugh or cuss. He and Chapel had been trying to figure out who Davis had been in break room with for a week now.

Jim swallowed hastily and grinned his special 'well isn't that interesting' grin. "Nurse Davis?"

"Sam's messing with you." Bones raised an eyebrow. " _Not_ that you don't deserve it."

"Really? 'Cause she's kind of cute," Jim made a little clicking noise with his tongue. "Petite, great legs, fills out the back of her uniform pretty nicely..."

McCoy scowled. "Dammit Jim, I thought I told you to quit ogling my nurses."

The grin widened slightly. "Does it bother you that I've noticed she's cute?"

"No." Bones crossed his arms. "But I thought _you_ didn't check out your crew."

Jim held his hands up in a gesture of 'who me?' innocence. "I wasn't checking her out, just _observing_."

"Right."

"A little touchy, aren't you?" He popped a french fry into his mouth with a smug smile.

"About you eying on my nurses, yes. About Davis in particular, no."

"Look," Jim leaned forward. "I happened to know that Chapel asked the Chief if he knew who Davis was fooling around with and he wouldn't tell her - just promised to have a word with the guy about staying out of the break room. So-o-o ...did he have a word with you?"

"Jim, I am not seeing Davis and I'm not a complete idiot." McCoy fixed him with a get-a-clue stare. "If I ever did get involved with someone, especially a nurse, I sure as hell wouldn't use the break room." His office, the store room, a couple supply closets, and once or twice a spot way back behind the big dryers in the ship's laundry, yes. The break room, definitely not. It was where they kept the snacks and non-replicator coffee. People _ate_ in that room.

"Yeah, I suppose so," Jim relented. "You know, it would save a lot of trouble if you'd just tell me who she is."

Bones sucked his cheeks in. "What part of ' _if_ I ever did get involved with someone', didn't you understand?"

The grin returned. "The part that didn't jive with over-hearing the Chief say that 'she' had already met me."

Damn, damn and double-damn. No wonder Sam had tossed Davis' name out there. He must have realized Jim had heard. Well, Bones could do misdirection too. "Has it occurred to you that we might have just been talking in general about who we might consider if we were gonna get involved with anyone?"

"okay, who would you consider?" Jim looked at him expectantly. "Maybe I could fix you up."

"Oh, no. In case you don't recall, the last time you decided to fix me up with someone I woke up naked in the back of a bordello and covered in blue glitter." Bones widened his eyes. "Took me _days_ to get it of all off of parts that just really should not _be_ glittery. So, thanks, but _no thanks_."

"See, Bones, that's why you're just sitting around speculating. You're no fun." Jim took a swig of milk and paused, looking thoughtful. "So who's the Chief interested in?"

Oh God, tempting as it was to pull a name out of a hat to get him back, setting Jim to bird-dogging Sam's life would be a bad idea on _so many_ levels. "Jim do you remember those Uldorans that clobbered you - the ones the Chief took out without breaking a sweat?"

"Yeah. So?"

McCoy crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow. "So, what part of 'I'm not a complete idiot' didn't you understand?"

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _AN: The Uldoran incident is from_ Rule Three _, my first Giotto story. Jim does just want to help, but can you blame Bones for not wanting him to?_


	4. Led Astray

Jessy wrapped an arm around Len's neck. "Okay, now, what are you going to do?"

He shifted a little and felt her adjust, pressing him more tightly.

"C'mon, Len…"

He tried to twist, but couldn't. He grinned at her sideways. "Surrender and let you have your wicked way with me?"

"Dammit, McCoy, be serious."

"Oh, I _am_ serious, darlin'."

Her arm tightened around his throat and she brought her lips near his ear. "If you want wicked ways tonight, McCoy, you had better prove you can defend yourself this morning. Now, if an attacker grabs you from behind, what do you do?"

"I was tryin' to do it, but you keep shifting so I can't get in position." Having Jessy assigned to get him up to snuff on self-defense was turning out to be less fun than he had originally imagined.

"Len, you're doctor. You know every vulnerable point on my body without looking. Don't just try to throw. You've got a basic grasp of self-defense, but you need a lot more training to make it work on anyone. The most natural reaction to this grab is to reach for the arm around your throat and try to twist away, so don't do that. Stomp or back kick or jab with an elbow. Surprise your attacker and then use a take down."

"I don't want to hurt you, darlin'."

"Which is why I _asked_ you what you would do. You know the drill. Tell me and feint the strike, then I'll make the appropriate response so you can try the throw."

"Right. Okay, I jab an elbow just below your ribs." He made the motion and felt her give a little space, twisted and threw her over his hip.

Jessy landed with a smack on the mat and grinned up at him. "That's more like it. Now if the attacker is stunned, depending on the situation either knock them out or just run for it. Remember, _your_ first priority is keeping yourself safe so you'll be able treat any of the rest of the team who might be injured."

"Got it." He helped her up and smiled. "So do I get a reward for good performance?"

She ran a hand under his jaw with a teasing grin. "Maybe after you do it right about a dozen more times."

"You're a tough teacher, sugar."

"You better believe it. The Chief assigned me to you because he knew I had a vested interest." She looked at him, suddenly very serious. "You know that his wife was a med tech, right?"

Damn. He did and he knew she had died in the line of duty. This sort of thing wouldn't have helped in her case, but Len got the point. He worried every time Jessy's name came up on the away mission roster, but he got dragged along on more of cursed things than she did. Considering that he was near helpless compared to her, she probably worried a lot more. Sam hadn't been doing him any favors assigning Jessy to this. He'd just (rightly) figured that she was the one person that might finally get McCoy to really apply himself to combat training. Damn sneaky security people.

Still, he wasn't going to cause her any unnecessary grief. McCoy put his hand over his heart. "I promise darlin', from here on out, I'm shooting for nothing but A's in your class."

.

An hour later, McCoy was hot and sweaty, but pretty damn happy with himself. When it came to a real fight he generally survived on fury and shear cussedness, but Jim had once forced him to learn enough to squeak through the required Academy courses on hand-to-hand. He was surprised to find how much of that came back to him with a little gentle – or occasionally not so gentle – review. Jessy was not going easy on him, but she was able to get some concepts across that Jim and his Academy instructors hadn't. Maybe it was because he didn't want to look like an idiot in front of her, but while Bones was still a doctor, not a commando, this time around he was actually enjoying the sense that he could get this shit to work.

"That's an even dozen." She tapped out and he eased up on the pin, but let his chest settle on top of hers. This was the last technique on the list for today and he had been a good student…

"Unbelievable!" Jim's voice came from the other side of the door.

McCoy took a deep breath. Locking a gym studio wasn't an option, but finding an excuse to chain Jim to a bed in sickbay was a distinct possibility for tomorrow. He reluctantly got to his feet and Jessy jumped up and came to attention as the Captain entered.

"At ease," Jim clapped his hands softly. "You are a miracle worker, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, sir," Jessy said crisply. "But the Doctor is an excellent student."

Jim crossed to McCoy and looked him up and down suspiciously. "Who are you and what have you done with the real Leonard McCoy?"

"Shut up, Jim. I just needed an instructor that wasn't some hard-ass martinet or a pushy, annoying kid."

"That's _Captain_ pushy, annoying kid - which is why can I order someone else to make you learn it now." He smirked and looked at Jessy. "I don't suppose you could wave your magic wand and get him to show a little respect too?"

"Sorry, but I'm a security officer, not a fairy godmother." Her imitation of McCoy was spot on.

Jim nearly did a double take and McCoy sucked his cheeks in against a laugh. "I've been teaching her a few things too, Jim."

"Right," Jim shook his head. "I guess I ought to warn the Chief. He might want to rotate instructors before you lead this one too far astray."

Jessy straightened. "I assure you that won't be a problem, _sir_."

McCoy almost wondered if Giotto had enlisted her in his covert campaign to educate Jim. Implying that he might complain about someone's professionalism to their CO was certainly something a Captain shouldn't joke about with an officer he didn't know all that well. Either way it was well-played. Jim could be counted on to finesse an almost-apology and beat a quick retreat if he thought he'd stuck his foot in it with one of his crew. Bones widened his eyes at him a little to push the process along.

"Just joking, Lieutenant," Jim said hastily, flashing a disarming smile. "Seriously, you're doing an outstanding job with Bones. As far as I'm concerned, he's all yours. Carry on."

They watched the door close behind him and waged a silent contest to see which would be the first to laugh. McCoy gave up and pulled her into an embrace. "Well, you heard the Captain, darlin', I'm all yours. How do you want to carry on?"

"I think you could use a good rub down." She grinned at him wickedly, stroking her hands down his back to his hips. "I don't want you being too sore for the next lessons I've got planned."

Bones chuckled and kissed her lightly. "And Jim thinks I'm the one leading you astray…"

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _An extra chapter written due to reminiscing. Back when we were dating, I tried to teach a couple throws to my dh, but at the time he was far too interested in just letting me pin him._


	5. After the Dance

Jim waltzed, literally, into sickbay. "Checking in, Bones." He spun around. "A-OK and not a bruise on me."

Bones looked him over. Jessy had organized a group of friends from security to join them for shore leave, partly so they could enjoy it together even with Jim hanging around, but mostly with the goal of seeing to it that Jim didn't get beat-up, rolled, abducted, jailed, or any of the other things McCoy had become accustomed to when his friend let loose. In fact, they'd even steered Jim toward a reasonably respectable-looking women (a distinct improvement over the customary questionable bimbo). Given his usual luck, McCoy had halfway feared that the lady was going to turn out to be some sort of closet psycho, which is why he had ordered his Captain to report to sickbay first thing the next morning. But Jim looked okay. Happy even. He ran a scanner over him just in case.

"Well, you do seem to be remarkably free of damage for a change." McCoy grinned. "Except for that hickey, that is."

Jim's hand went to his neck and Bones laughed. "I'll take care of it, but you might want to be extra nice to Mr. Kyle for the next day or two if don't want anyone else to hear about it."

"I don't even care - Captains should have a good night occasionally, right? And I had _great_ night." He grinned devilishly. "Although maybe not as good as yours; four women - I never would have guessed you had it in you, Bones."

"Honestly, Jim, you danced with all of them too." And he had the video to prove it. After a couple rounds of the local hooch, Boyd had even gotten Jim to take a shot at ballet, an episode Bones intended to save for just the right occasion.

"Yeah, but I didn't go home with all of them." Jim waggled his eyebrows.

"If by 'home', you mean coming back to the ship before dawn, then yeah." McCoy rolled is eyes. "It's not like they all came back to my quarters."

"Really?" Jim flashed a teasing grin. "So whose quarters did you go back to?"

Bones turned Jim's head to examine the hickey. "I thought you had a good enough night not to need some vicarious fantasy about mine."

"Oh, I did have a good night, but you know I live on vicarious fantasy between shore leaves." He rubbed his neck when Bones finished removing the evidence. "And _you_ didn't answer the question - whose quarters did you go back to?"

"Mine. And I'm sorry to disappoint you, Jim, but there was no orgy." Great, completely uninterrupted sex, yes, but no orgy. No matter how hot Jessy had looked dancing with her friends, he was pretty sure it'd be worth his life to suggest anything of the sort.

"Not even a _little_ orgy?" Jim said with a mock pout.

Bones shook his head. "You did notice that Boyd's engaged, right?"

"Yeah, but she not married yet," he said almost sing-song.

"Jim…"

"Okay." He rolled his eyes like a teenager and then flashed a hopeful grin. "How about the other three?"

" _No_ , Jim." McCoy grabbed the first hypo to that came to hand and waved it at him. "Now, I am I going to have to sedate you?"

"No, no, I'll be good." He held his hands up in surrender. "You just seem unusually not-grumpy this morning."

"Maybe because I didn't have to pull you outta a fight, bail you outta jail or patch you up for a change?" Bones suggested. "I don't suppose there's any chance of you making a habit of that?"

"I don't know about a _habit_ , but I might go for this sort of thing a little more often. The Chief had a good point about how the Captain should spend some off time with junior officers. I even got Hanlan to call me Jim last night." He broke into a speculative grin. "You know, she's kind of fun once she unbends a little…"

 _Oh, don't you_ dare _even imagine how much Jimbo_. "Wipe that look off your face," McCoy warned, putting the hypo down before he was tempted to use it.

"What?" A shadow of suspicion crossed Jim's face. "You don't have your eye on her, do you?"

" _No_. I've got my eye on _you_. Four words, Jim: Frat-er-ni-zation," McCoy crossed his arms. "You swore to Pike that you could keep your grubby hands off the crew."

"Don't worry, I can." Jim puffed a resigned sigh. "It's not like I'd hit on Hanlan even if I weren't Captain. I mean, I know he doesn't like being called Pop, but there's a definite father-daughter vibe with her and Giotto. Seriously, can you imagine going after someone the Chief practically thinks of as a daughter?"

McCoy chuckled. "It would take a certain amount of nerve." And bourbon and single malt and being pinned to the wall and kissed pretty thoroughly. "But I'd say she's plenty capable of looking out for herself."

"True for any of them, but there _is_ that extra intimidation factor where she's concerned," Jim frowned a little. "It's no wonder she always seems so stiff, the poor girl probably has about as much opportunity for fun on this ship as I do."

"She seems to cope." McCoy remarked carefully, turning to put his instruments away. He almost felt bad for Jim. Not quite bad enough to forget all the times he'd sat in the hall waiting for the wild noises in their dorm room to subside, but almost.

"Yeah, I guess." Jim paused and made a small 'hmm' noise. "You know, she and Carrie and Julia looked pretty hot dancing together. You don't suppose …?"

A protoplaser slipped out of McCoy's hand. "Dammit," he grumbled picking it up. "No. And you might try keeping your grubby mind as well as your grubby hands off the crew."

"Like your grubby mind didn't go there too," Jim flashed an impish grin. "I saw that little smile you were trying to hide behind a sip of ale."

On second thought he didn't feel bad for Jim at all. Bones treated him to one his better glares. "My little smiles are _my_ business, Jim, and I'll thank you to keep your grubby mind from speculating on what's going on in mine."

"Alright. Jeez," Jim rolled his eyes heading for the door. "I give up. You know, you are entirely too grumpy to have had any real fun at all last night. And that's a shame. You _really_ need to stop watching ladies and actually _do_ something with at least one of them and _soon_."

McCoy watched the door close behind the Captain and glanced at the chronometer. Jessy's shift didn't start for another hour and he was pretty sure where she'd be right about now. He grinned and flipped a casual salute at the door. "Aye, aye, sir."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This chapter takes place after the first story in_ Tales of a Security Chief, Vol. II _, but you certainly don't have to read it to get what's going on in this._


	6. Getting ideas

Len escorted Jessy out of sickbay with a smile on his face, only to run into Jim on the way in. The Captain was holding his wrist, but any concern for that disappeared when he noticed Jessy.

"Who's hurt, Lieutenant?"

Lt. Hanlan had reflexively come to attention. "It looks like you are, sir."

"I just made the mistake of playing handball with Chekhov. Oh, at ease already," Kirk started to wave a hand and thought better of it. "What I meant was that you're usually here to check on someone from security."

"Not this time, sir." She glanced at McCoy. "This was …a personal matter."

"A personal matter?" A sly smile crept onto the Captain's face.

"Personal usually translates as _none of your business_." McCoy widened his eyes. "You go and sit down until I come take look at that wrist." He gave Jessy a smile and a nod. "Thank you, darlin'. Give my best to the rest of the coven."

Len allowed himself a moment to watch her go before turning to deal with Jim – and almost ran right into the damn nosy kid because he was standing right behind him with a big shit-eating grin instead of sitting on a biobed in the treatment bay like he was supposed to. McCoy glared at him. "I _thought_ I told you to go sit down."

"You didn't say when," he replied impishly. "Please tell me the 'personal matter' was arranging some sort of naked fertility ritual with the coven."

"Honest to Pete, Jim!" McCoy looked skyward as if for strength. "You know calling them 'the coven' is just a joke."

Len had teasingly dubbed Jessy and her three girlfriends 'the coven' because after their success keeping Jim out of trouble on shore leave they'd begun conspiring together on a new project, usually over a big pot of coffee. McCoy had been led to believe they were plotting a surprise birthday party for their CO (Sam had even made himself scarce that day just in case). However, a week later when the _Enterprise_ had arrived at Earth that wonderfully sneaky group of women had given Len the best surprise of his life by out-foxing his ex-wife (or more accurately her barracuda of a lawyer) to give him a whole extended holiday with his daughter for the first time in four years. As icing on the cake, said ex had been left imagining that all four of those wonderful young women were Len's own little fan club.

It warmed his heart every time he thought of it. "I admit they did work magic though."

"Yeah," Jim agreed. "You know, Bones, you get that warm-fuzzy look every time you mention them. Are you sure there are no naked rituals? I mean, you were all together in that cabin for four days…"

"With my _little girl_ , Jim," Bones shook his scanner in Jim's face. "You were there the last day. There was no hanky, let alone panky going on." Even a cabin big enough for separate bedrooms had limited privacy with six people not to mention a bunch of family and friends coming and going. Naked rituals had waited until they were back on the ship.

"Okay, but you were definitely appreciating the view when Hanlan walked out." Jim gave him a sly grin. "And don't tell me you were checking for injuries this time because she is in _fine_ shape."

"And you would know that how?" McCoy grabbed his wrist, applying a bandage just a bit roughly.

"Ow," Jim snatched his arm back. "Jeez, Bones."

"Stop being an infant," Bones growled, pulling the arm back. "It's just a sprain."

"And I was just making an observation. You're being awfully touchy about Hanlan."

McCoy scowled at him. "I'm being touchy about you getting injured by being a careless idiot _again_."

"No, no, that's not it. You take that out on me with hypos." Jim frowned, his brows drawing down in concern. "There isn't anything actually wrong with her, is there? Look, I know about doctor-patient confidentiality and all, but if there _is_ anything just give a nod and I'll make sure she gets a little extra time off or something. I mean, I feel like I owe her too. I don't think I've ever seen you as happy as when you realized you were getting custody of Joanna over leave."

Dammit, just when Len wanted to be annoyed with the kid. He looked at Jim's face, brimming with sincere concern and sighed. No matter how much of a crazy adolescent he might be half the time, he really cared about his crew and Bones wouldn't cause him undue worry on that score. Besides, Jim just might be able to help to him out.

"No, Jim, she's perfectly healthy." McCoy fixed him with a careful look. "Now, I don't want you to take this as meaning that you get to ask when people see me about personal matters, but in this case I think I can tell you." He secured Jim's bandage. "There, now come on back to my office."

Jim hopped off the biobed and eagerly followed McCoy into his office. Once the door closed, Bones activated a holocube on his desk. The first image was of him and Joanna surrounded by the coven as they roasted marshmallows by the fireplace.

"Jessy was dropping this off for me," McCoy said nodding to the cube that was transitioning to an image of Joanna and Jessy covered in flour from trying to make pancakes. God knew she couldn't cook, but it had been joy to watch her with Joanna. For someone who had had to practically raise herself, Jessy was surprisingly good with children.

Jim bent down to get a closer look and laughed out loud when a picture from his own brief visit came up. McCoy was beaming a huge grin while Joanna dressed Jim up to join the other 'princesses'. "Oh, this is great Bones! I need a copy of that one."

" _A_ copy?" Bones laughed. "I was thinking of sending it to everyone on the ship."

"You go right ahead." Jim smiled smugly. "It will just convince them that their Captain is even more awesome _and_ adorable than they had previously imagined."

McCoy rolled his eyes, but smiled. "Honestly, how do you fit anything else in your head with that ego taking up so much space?"

"Just another property of my natural awesomeness," Jim flashed a grin and then pointed as the image changed to McCoy asleep on the couch cuddling with his daughter. "But you may have me beat on adorable with that one. These pictures are priceless."

"The whole thing was priceless," Bones sighed. "That's the problem. I'd like to find a way to thank them, but frankly chocolate and flowers don't even begin cut it. You're the expert with women, Jim. Any ideas?"

"Well, I already authorized giving them their pick of assignments and they're all basking in the Chief's approval for a slick operation, but I can see where you'd want to do something more." Jim rubbed his chin looking up thoughtfully. "Let's see… I don't suppose getting their sexy young Captain to agree to a wild one-time orgy is the sort of thing you had in mind?"

"Jim… "

"Just kidding," he sighed dramatically. "Seriously, we're scheduled to stop for some maintenance work on Cygnet XIV in a couple weeks. There are supposed to be some fantastic spas there." He winked. "If you're really, _really_ nice to me I might be persuaded to give them all a full day of leave to enjoy the unlimited spa packages you're going to buy them."

Bones just stared a moment. It tended to come as a shock, but every now and then he got something other than aggravation from having Jim for a best friend. "That's …actually a really good idea."

"Of course it is. I thought of it!" Kirk gave him a cheeky grin.

McCoy shook his head, laughing. "Alright, genius, since you're the expert, which spa is the best?"

"That I don't know, but I _do_ know who to ask. A 'little bird' told me that this is one of Marshall's favorite places to go on leave."

Bones cocked an eyebrow at the air quotes. "Little bird?"

"Okay, a largish, hawk-like bird in a red shirt mentioned that it might be a good idea to make sure that our diplomatic liaison is in a good mood by letting her have a day down there before I go. You know, just in case I run into trouble." He scratched the back of his head. "I guess it's his job, but honestly I think the Chief's starting to get a little paranoid."

"Yeah," Bones coughed to stifle a laugh. "Because Jim Kirk on a planet run by women – what could _possibly_ go wrong?"

"Alright, so _maybe_ some of them might get into a cat fight over me." Jim grinned and looked up with a fake innocent expression. "Anyway, if you ask nice you can probably get her to make the arrangements while she's setting up her own reservations - I figured I did owe her a day off for fixing that mess on Kadifar."

"A day off?" Bones snorted. "She talked the government out of holding a public castration. And believe me it had to be tempting to save herself future trouble by letting it happen."

"I'm _not_ that bad," he protested.

" _Public_ castration, Jim - as in meant to keep anyone else from even _thinking_ of behaving like you."

"Hey, it was a very uptight planet." He gave Bones a pouty look. "And I don't get to enjoy having a fan club on board."

"They're not my fan club Jim." McCoy crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow. "And _I_ would never have done anything like that with _anyone_ let alone _twin_ anyones, especially in a public park."

"Well, you're a very uptight person," Jim smirked and slid into a calculating grin. "But we could fix that."

"I do not need fixing," Bones said firmly. "But I've occasionally considered that you might."

"Come on, you're missing the big picture here, Bones." Jim held his hands up as though framing a scene. "Those women are going to come back from a day at the spa loose and relaxed and _grateful_."

McCoy shook his head. He should have known. "Dammit, Jim, this is supposed to be about showing them that _I'm_ grateful."

"And it _will_ ," he explained smoothly. "That's the beauty part. They'll know you're grateful. They'll be grateful for how you showed your gratitude. They'll want to show you theirs… " Jim gave him a pleading look. "God, Bones, if you don't do something with all that wealth of mutual good feeling I'm going to be _so_ disappointed."

"You'll get over it," McCoy replied flatly.

"C'mon, you said this was a really good idea."

"Oh, the spa day _is_ a really good idea – as a sincere thank you, _not_ as a ploy to get anyone naked." He did not need ploys, although Jessy relaxed and in a real good mood would be something to look forward to.

Jim shook his head sadly. "But it's such a waste and as long as everyone winds up happy with the result, no one will care if there was a little ulterior motive mixed in with the thank you."

"Honestly, Jim, it's a wonder more women haven't slugged you."

"Just the ones who were into that sort of thing," he waggled his eyebrows. "You know, those women are all in security, they might be into –"

" _Out_ , Jim," McCoy warned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Before I slug you."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This story can stand alone, but technically it comes after the chapter 'Watching a Plan in Action' in_ Tales of a Security Chief, Vol. II _._
> 
>  _The female-dominated world of Cygnet XIV is mentioned in the TOS episode_ Tomorrow is Yesterday _. They installed the female voice on the Enterprise computer during an overhaul. Initially it had a tendency to address Kirk as 'dear'._


	7. A Tangled Web

McCoy grinned, stepping out of the shower and wrapping himself around the towel wrapped around Jessy. Spending the night together and having time for a little fun in the morning was a rare treat, although they'd managed it a little more often now that Jim had become distracted by a different shiny object.

"You sure I'm not going to wind up having to patch Jim up, darlin'?" Len asked nuzzling wet hair that smelled deliciously of oranges and ginger.

The door chimed. "Hey, Bones are you in there?"

"Dammit he's supposed to be talking to the Chief," Jessy whispered.

Bones rolled his eyes at her in the mirror. When had Jim Kirk ever followed directions? He wrapped a towel around his waist and stepped out, carefully closing the bathroom door. "I just got out of the shower Jim and unless you'd like to be re-vaccinated for Melvaran Mud Flea virus you'll stay on the other side of that door until I come out with some clothes on!"

"Jeez, Bones, when did you get all bashful?" Jim tossed back. But at least he didn't override the lock to let himself in.

McCoy threw his clothes on in moments – it was one of those skills you mastered as a ship's surgeon – before striding through the door with an appropriately annoyed expression. "I got all bashful the last time you popped my door open while I was dressing and three ensigns got an eyeful. You may be an exhibitionist, Jim, but I'm not."

Jim gave him a sly grin. "I think you've just gotten shy now that I'm in your fan club."

" _If_ I had a fan club, Jim, and _if_ you were in it, I wouldn't get shy; I'd get a restraining order."

The truth was that until recently he'd been a bit tickled by the fact that a good part of the crew, including Jim, seemed to think the coven was his fan club. Unfortunately that happy circumstance had taken a strange turn a few weeks ago when Jim had insinuated himself as a sort of 'honorary warlock'. God only knew what the rumor mill was making of that - McCoy certainly didn't want to, although the smirk Chapel wore every time Jim dropped by sickbay gave him a pretty good idea.

"Aw, you know you love me." Jim batted his eyelashes at him.

Bones scowled. "I may get a restraining order anyway."

"Then it's just as well you're not joining me for breakfast," Jim laughed.

McCoy widened his eyes at him. "Then why the Sam Hill did you just roust me outta my quarters?"

"Be-cause," Jim said, widening his own eyes. "You are going to have breakfast with the Chief and make sure he doesn't drop by our table and over hear anything."

"Right." Bones rolled his eyes as they entered the mess. In a classic example of no good deed going unpunished, the shiny object distracting Jim from dogging McCoy's private life was Sam's.

The coven had all come back from their spa day thoughtful but extremely tight-lipped about what they were thinking. It seemed that somewhere in the middle of drinks shared in a hot tub Giotto's friend Marshall had sounded like she had more than strictly friendly feelings toward him, but the coven couldn't decide what if anything to do with the information. That had changed when Sam had gotten a bit withdrawn after someone had contacted him about his late wife – not that he'd actually talked to anyone about it, but Jim had found out because the damn kid had decided to 'check on him'. And then McCoy had found out because Giotto had nearly strangled the intruder breaking into his quarters before realizing it was his Captain. (If hypos weren't so much easier, Bones would have been the next in line to throttle Jim for being an idiot).

Not long after the coven had collectively decided that giving 'Pop' a subtle nudge or two in potentially the right direction was worth a shot. Len hadn't necessarily disagreed with that, but Jim had somehow caught wind of the project and jumped in with both feet. Now Bones couldn't help wondering how long it was going to take before Jim managed to get choked again.

"Relax, Bones, he doesn't suspect a thing. And don't worry, I'm not usurping your fan club. When I'm over there, I'm practically an honorary chick." Jim gave him a cheeky grin and continued in a high falsetto. "You know you really do have a cute little ass."

"Oh God," Bones glanced heavenward. He might yet become the next senior officer to wring Jim's neck, but right now taking a tray of food and heading toward the back of the room seemed like the better part of valor.

Giotto was in his usual spot – back to the far wall, both doors in easy line of sight. It always struck McCoy as a little paranoid, but Sam insisted that a little paranoia was a healthy trait in Security Chief.

"Hey, Sam, mind some company?"

"Have a seat, Doc." Giotto nodded to a seat not quite in front of him. "So what's the coven up to today?"

"Considering how wrong I was last time, I wouldn't even hazard a guess." _And it'd be just about worth my life to actually tell you_.

Sam glanced over to where Jessy had just joined the rest of the group and hid a smile behind a sip of coffee. "Planning movie night I'd say."

McCoy nearly did a double take. If he hadn't seen Giotto's psi rating on his med file, he'd suspect the man could read minds. On the other hand, he did have a clear view of most of their faces. "Are you reading lips Sam?"

"Not at this distance," Sam chuckled. "But the Captain isn't exactly the king of subtle. I'm hoping I steered him toward action/adventure. If they go with a romantic comedy it's going to be hard not to laugh before we get through the title sequence."

Well, Jessy had figured that he'd probably caught on by now. McCoy shook his head. "You're completely onto them, aren't you?"

"Security Chief, remember?" Giotto grinned. "And I'm going to be really disappointed if Jessy hasn't figured that out by now."

"Yeah, she has, but she figures there must be a reason you haven't shut them down." McCoy shrugged. He certainly was not going to say that she was hoping it was because Sam was using the situation to work up to making a move on Denise.

"Good, because I normally wouldn't tolerant this sort of thing. However, unlike the last time, the Captain hasn't been climbing the walls during a mapping mission," Sam pursed his lips slightly. "And you were worried about what would happen once Jessy really got to know him. It seems like they're becoming pretty good friends working on this little project."

It was an effort not to let his jaw drop. The coven had been trying to get Sam and Denise together for close to two months and practically the whole time they'd been playing along in order to smooth a problem in Len's relationship with Jessy? Talk about wheels within wheels. "You're kidding."

"You have to admit that by now she should certainly have a pretty good idea of Kirk's concept of boundaries." Sam gave him a sympathetic smile. "Look, Starfleet is tough on relationships and keeping one under wraps on a ship can only work for so long. At some point you have to decide either that there's a fair chance it's going to work and you might as well come out about it or that it won't and you might as well end it quietly and amicably."

"I, um," McCoy was suddenly uncomfortably reminded of being asked what his intentions were toward someone's daughter. "I guess I have to admit that if she can put up with Jim, I'm left having to face the question of whether I think she can put up with me."

Sam held up a hand. "I wasn't asking which way that was going with the two of you, although I'd say that if she managed to get _you_ up to snuff on combat training, she's able to put up with a lot. But you should consider discussing it with her, because I'm not putting up with this," he nodded toward the group conspiring a few tables over, "for too much longer."

"Okay," McCoy shook his head trying to clear a mental case of whiplash. "I don't think I've ever heard of a nicer double-cross, but -"

"Look, I'm not giving in on refusing to be called 'Pop', but I do want Jessy to be happy." Sam grinned a little. "Besides Denise enjoys a good conspiracy, so it's been kind of fun."

 _Which is another reason you should be using this thing to take a shot at being happy too, you ornery old goat_. McCoy bit his tongue. If Sam hadn't taken that step by now there had to be a reason, but he couldn't help feeling like he was in the middle of some odd father-daughter version of the _Gift of the Magi_. And Jim was in it too - calling him off might not be as easy as Sam thought.

"I guess I should think about how to tell Jim," Bones sighed. The kid would be even more impossible if he figured it out on his own.

"You've probably got a little more time. There's at least one more major distraction likely to come up before he gets back to puzzling over what's going on in your life." Sam leaned back, watching the other table. "How do you think Kirk would do at officiating a wedding?"

This time McCoy's jaw did drop. The story of how Giotto had caught Pike flatfooted with that request was pretty well known. Surely...

"Oh, that's good, Doc," he laughed. "If the Captain's expression turns out to be anything like yours, I'm going to have to make sure someone gets a picture."

"Dammit, Sam, just how long have you and Denise not needed fixing up?"

Sam raised his eyebrows. "I don't recall saying anything at all about me, or Denise for that matter. There _are_ several couples on this ship and you and Jessy aren't the only ones flying cloaked." He glanced at his PADD and stood to leave. "Well, I've got sims to run. Don't tell Kirk. It would be a shame to spoil the surprise."

"Wait, what-"

"Oh, one other thing," Giotto paused thoughtfully. "There's a recipe for Andalucian paella I've been trying to get out of Julia's aunt since we were both cadets. I'd appreciate it if you could try to drop a hint that that might be the way to my heart." He winked and walked away.

McCoy just stared after him. Being able to run gambits was part of the job description, but the conniving old fox had more stuff up his sleeve that a whole convention full of magicians ...or maybe it was more smoke and mirrors... Len was trying to untangle the threads when Jim dropped into the chair beside him.

"You look like you're onto something Bones," Jim cracked a conspiratorial grin. "What have you got?"

Bones looked into blue eyes twinkling with anticipation. What to say? Sam and Denise are both completely onto to you but have been letting this whole thing run for half a dozen reasons (most of which I am definitely not telling you), but one of them may or may not be that they're already together and they (or someone else) may or may not surprise the hell the out of you pretty soon - oh and by the way, was there ever a lecture on how a Captain performs a wedding ceremony in any of those command classes you took?

Nah. Not only was he not sure of anything right now, but if there was one thing he'd learned during his generally disastrous relationship history it was to avoid getting on the wrong side of someone a woman looked up to. That went double when the person in question (a) was trying to help you and (b) could kill you.

Bones shrugged. "I don't know that it's much help, Jim, but it sounds like he's got a soft spot for someone who can make a good paella."

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _AN: At this point the story has to interact a bit with the one it spun off from, but I hope I've done a reasonable job of providing enough pieces for it to stand alone. The proverb says that tangled webs are a problem when you first practice deception, but Giotto's been a Security Chief for years, so he's had time to get good at it._
> 
>  _Wedding bells in the next chapter...  
> _


	8. The Wedding

"Dammit Jim, stop fidgeting or I'm gonna sedate you." Bones readjusted the dress uniform collar that Jim kept tugging out of line.

Kirk batted his hands away. "I'm not fidgeting and it's going to be a little hard to do this if I'm drugged. It's weird enough that they asked _me_ to do it, but I doubt they want to be married by Captain Space Cowboy."

"You'll do fine, kid." Once the shock had worn off, Jim had thrown himself into preparing. For the last couple days he'd spent every spare moment rehearsing his lines like an actor before his first live performance. Bones couldn't recall him studying that much for most of his classes at the Academy. Of course, he wouldn't have to live with a good part of his security force being ticked at him if he'd blown a test there, not that he ever had anyway.

People were beginning to file into the ship's chapel and McCoy smiled when he caught sight of half of the coven. In his (completely unbiased) opinion, Jessy looked amazing in dress reds.

"Oh God, it's the Inquisition – save me Bones." Jim edged behind him, pretending to hide from the two people who had coached and quizzed him relentlessly to make sure he did this right.

Boyd's fiancé would be finishing his tour on the _Aldrin_ in a few months and had already put in for a transfer to the _Enterprise_ , so beyond her interest in the people getting married today, she had a vested interest in seeing her Captain do a good job of officiating at a wedding. Jessy, much to Len's relief, took her homeworld's view that a wedding was something to do just prior to having kids, but she was almost obsessively determined that everything be perfect for this one. It was pretty funny in a way since the couple themselves didn't seem nearly as worried as almost anyone else involved.

Bones glanced back at Sam, standing at the rear of the chapel with a vaguely amused expression as his Captain pretended to cower away from the two lieutenants who appeared to be in charge right now.

"Sorry, but you're on your own Jim. I'm going to go see how Sam's doing."

"Fine, abandon me in my time of need." Jim gave him a mock pout. "But you tell that devious old ma that whenever all this happy-rejoicing-together business is over there will be payback for this little shell game and _especially_ for sending that picture of me with my mouth hanging open to Adm. Pike."

"Oh, Sam didn't send that picture," Bones grinned, bouncing slightly on his toes. "I did."

 _"You what?"_

McCoy laughed. Jim was going to get whiplash from all the double-takes he'd done in the last few days, but considering how many times he'd hit Bones with things completely out of left field, revenge was sweet. "Well, you said Pike is always asking how you're settling into being Captain – I figured he'd want to know that his protégé was following in his footsteps."

"Dammit Bones, he nearly fell out of his chair laughing when I called to ask for advice on how to do a wedding." Jim widened his eyes moment and then snorted a laugh. "At least he warned me not to take my eyes off the Chief at the reception."

"Don't worry, Jim, the Chief won't prank you at the reception," Jessy gave him an evil grin. "It's the rest of us you have to watch out for."

"Especially if you muff this," Boyd added.

"Just keep remembering how much you wanted them to drop all that respectful formality," McCoy drawled, leaving Jim to his last minute inspection, and headed back toward Sam.

Giotto was standing a little stiffly, and seemed to be scanning the officers seated along the aisles to make sure everyone had remembered their saber for the sword arch, but otherwise looked pretty relaxed.

"Well, it's good to see at least one person at this shindig looking reasonably calm."

Sam shrugged. "The women are running things. All I have to do is show up and make it from here to the front of the chapel."

"You're disgusting – you know that, right?" McCoy teased. "You even look comfortable that damn dress uniform."

"The gold braid loosens up with wear," Sam smiled. "And I've played this role before."

"Yeah, I guess you have," McCoy chuckled. "But I'm a little jumpy just from all the stress radiating off everyone else getting ready."

"Relax, Doc. People get crazy about wanting the ceremony to be perfect, but it's basically just an 'outward sign' – although if you tell my uncle the priest, I will firmly deny that I ever said that." He glanced around the room. "Besides, we're well into Federation space, so there's not much chance of being interrupted by a red alert. As long as the Captain can manage to stick to the script, it should all go without a hitch."

"Oh, once Jim steps into the limelight the only thing we'll have to worry about is him pissing off a bride by stealing the show." McCoy smiled, watching Jim adjust the edge of his shirt almost the way Spock did when he didn't want to admit to being agitated. "That is, as long as he doesn't wear himself out with nerves before we get started. Where's the rest of the wedding party?"

"Brides are always late," Sam observed with a knowing smile.

"Brides are _allowed_ to be late," Denise corrected, joining them. She grinned up at Sam. "You better get into position, 'Pop'."

Sam tipped at eyebrow at her. "Yes 'Mom'."

"Go." She pushed his arm lightly just as music signaled everybody to get ready.

Bones hurried to the front to take his place as best man and Jim flashed him a grin as he stepped up to the lectern, nerves predictably dissolving into excitement now that things were officially getting underway.

Carrie and Julia appeared at the door, immaculately attired in dress reds except for small bouquets and the white blossoms laced through their hair. Giotto smiled as they each took an arm. For today at least he'd decided to enjoy being 'Pop' in order to play father of the bride, or in this case, brides. McCoy smiled across at Jessy standing with the other bridesmaid and practically glowing with happiness at the scene. If they ever reached that stage, Len was going to make absolutely sure Sam was available to walk her down the aisle.

When they reached the front, Giotto drew their hands from his arms and put them together. Carrie and Julia grinned at each other and quickly leaned in to simultaneously kiss him on the cheeks. Bones swallowed a laugh and heard Jim chuckle at the way Sam's eyebrows rose. For once, the Chief had been caught by surprise. He glanced sternly from one to the other before breaking into a smile. "Carry on, ladies," he whispered before retreating to his seat.

Jim beamed at them from behind the lectern and then looked up at the assembled crowd. "Since the days of the first wooden vessels, all ship masters have had one happy privilege: that of uniting two people in the bonds of matrimony. And so now it is my honor to unite you Carina Anna Silvanus and you Julia Alvarez y Calderón together in marriage here in the sight of your friends and shipboard family.

"The other wonderful thing about doing this as a Captain is that unlike clergy, I don't have to come up with a sermon." Jim paused for a brief round of quiet laughter. "But I do have a couple things to say. First, you two, with a little help," he looked pointedly at Sam and Denise, "took me completely by surprise and any couple who can run a that sort of conspiracy that smoothly are obviously so in sync that they're perfect for each other. Second, looking back, I was a complete idiot not to have noticed. They say that love is friendship set to music and considering that I spent a whole evening watching you dance, I really should have seen it. But what can I say," He shrugged, flashing a smile. "You're both gorgeous, so I was clearly in denial."

Oh God, Jim was improvising. McCoy started to lift a warning eyebrow at him, but the brides laughed, so everyone else did too.

"Seriously," Jim continued. "Once I picked my jaw off the floor, I realized that I must have been blind not to see how you two just fit together." He looked up at the room. "And all of you are on notice that I'm not going to miss something like that again, so don't even try. Now, that said, Carrie and Julia have written their own vows so my part is almost done - for which I'm sure you're all thanking whatever deities have decided to be among us to bless this union. I know I am. So if someone will hand them the rings, I'll be quiet so they can exchange their vows."

The bridesmaids took the bouquets, while McCoy produced the rings and handed them to the couple with a fond smile. They slid them on each others fingers, saying in turn,

"With this ring, I take you to be my lawfully wedded spouse.  
Before these witnesses I vow to love you and care for you as long as we both shall live.  
I take you, with all your faults and your strengths, as I offer myself to you with all my faults and my strengths.  
From this day forward, your people will be my people, your history will be my history, and I will stand together with you through whatever future may come.  
I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life."

Kirk raised his hands. "We have heard you promise to share your lives in marriage. We recognize and respect the covenant you have made. My part in this meets Starfleet protocol, but the sincerity of what you have said and done here before your friends is what makes your marriage real. Still, because Rand and every other woman on this ship will never forgive me if I blow this, to make it regulation and legal, I now pronounce you married." He paused, grinning at them. "Go on, like you need my permission to kiss each other."

After a quick kiss, Carrie and Julia turned to face their cheering friends.

Lt. Cmdr. Jenkins, the Security second-in-command, stood and officers along the aisle came to attention. "Officers, draw swords," he called. The ring of drawn sabers sounded and an arch of gleaming steel formed along the aisle. With the wedding march playing, Carrie and Julia passed beneath the arch and then turned to salute their fellow officers. At "Officers, return swords" the sabers returned smoothly to scabbards, the final inches completed in unison with a single click, followed by applause from all.

As the crowd filed out to the reception in the ship's lounge, Kirk blew out a puff of breath and smiled. Bones clasped his friend on the shoulder as he stepped off the low podium. "Other than that bit of improvising, Jim, ya done good."

"The couple did request that it not be too solemn," Giotto observed, falling in beside them. "Nicely done, Captain."

"Thank you, Chief. So how did I stack up against Pike?"

Sam looked up thoughtfully. "Chris already had a few weddings under his belt by the time we asked, but since you haven't urged either newlywed to plaster the other with wedding cake, I'd say that so far you're ahead."

"Excellent," Jim flashed a sly smile. "Far enough ahead that you'd use me if you ever decide to get married again?"

"That would require another woman being foolish enough to marry me." He held up a hand before Kirk could reply. "I believe we've agreed that your matchmaking days are over, sir."

"Chief, what I said about a couple able to run that sort of conspiracy together -"

" _Over_. Sir." Giotto said firmly, eyebrows raised in a warning expression.

Jenkins approached and cleared his throat as they neared the lounge door. "Excuse me, Chief, but I've been instructed to escort you to the reception." Dan's mouth twitched, fighting a grin. "It seems no one wants to take any chances on you evading the required dances."

"I take it I can't deputize you and Phil?"

"The orders were very specific." Jenkins compressed his lips trying to maintain his 'arresting officer' facade. "Don't make call back up, sir."

"Very well," Sam replied with a resigned smile. "I'll go quietly."

Bones chuckled as Giotto went in ahead with Dan a half step behind. "Looks like Carrie and Julia are taking care of that payback for you, Jim."

"Yeah," Jim's mouth went a little sideways. "I still say he and Denise would have made a good couple. Their counterparts in that alternate universe were together, you know."

"That's not much of a case Jim. My counterpart in that twisted universe looked to be a complete sadist."

"See?" Jim flashed a mischievous grin. "There were a lot of similarities."

McCoy sucked his cheeks in, narrowing his eyes in mock-threat. "You want to see sadism, Jim...?"

"Hurry it up," Jessy waved them through the door. "You've got toasts to give."

"Okay, okay," Jim sighed. "I guess it's for the best anyway. If the Chief's out of the running, there's no one else who's going to be able to surprise me with a secret affair."

Bones exchanged a look with Jessy. Another sign of being in sync with someone was that you knew with a single look what they were thinking.

"If you say so, Jim." Len reached out and pulled her into a lovers' kiss that began to draw whistles and applause.

When he released her, Jim's mouth was gaping like a fish out of water. There were going to be some _good_ pictures.

"About time!" Carrie yelled from the head table as Julia flashed a thumbs up and launched a bouquet at them.

Jessy laughed and dodged the bouquet, leaving it to hit Jim right in chest. He burst out laughing. "Dammit Hanlan, I should have known when you started using his catch phrases. And Bones..." He draped his hands over McCoy's shoulders and looked up, eyes sparkling with devilish delight as he paused to catch his breath before whispering "Now I know what I should have tried to get you to learn self-defense."

McCoy raised an eyebrow, but smiled. "Certainly woulda motivated me to throw you, Jim."

They laughed at each other for a long moment before Jim turned around to face the room. "Okay, anyone else out there want to surprise me? Because, so help me, this is your last chance." He paused, looking around. "Okay then, let's get this reception re-focused on the newlyweds."

.

On the other side of the room Sam tilted an eyebrow at Denise as he handed her a glass of champagne. She smiled softly. "It's Carrie and Julia's day."

"Yes." He touched his glass to hers. "And we've earned some privacy, although I'm going to miss betting you on what they were going to try next."

Denise looked up at him playfully. "Care to wager on how long it will take the Captain to figure out Cupcake and Nurse Davis?"

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _This story ends here._ _I hope you've enjoyed it._ _  
> _
> 
>  _The only wedding shown in TOS had everyone in regular uniform, but in TNG it was dress uniforms, which is more in line with a real military wedding._ _The reference to an alternate universe was to my reboot of_ Mirror, Mirror _._ _  
> _
> 
>  _Thank you to all who have read and especially all of you who have reviewed. Please continue.  
> _


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